Wednesday, 23 September 2009
I've since realised it's much easier just to post every time something funny happens, so here goes...
I've been here about a month now, and feel properly settled into life. The first few days were a bit shaky, if not amusing to look back on.
I went out to buy some bread the second morning I got here. I walked into the bakery across the road, picked up half a loaf and walked to the counter with it, where the woman serving started shouting at me and pointing at the bread. I had no idea what she was saying, and so apologised and said I didn't speak much Dutch (which was a lie, I speak none).
She told me this was 'bread for animals'. It was really cheap, and there was a long queue behind me, so not wanting to lose my place I replied, "Yeah, I know. I'm going to feed the ducks." At this point she smiled, looked down to what was in my other hand and said "Are you going to butter it for them as well?"
When I had finally got over the sheer embarrassment of being mocked out of a shop by a group of mothers, it was winter. Or at least it felt like it, the South-Easterly wind blows across Holland pretty hard most days. It gets bitter at times.
Anyways, a few days later I went for a walk into the city centre. I hadn't quite worked out the tram system yet or acquired a bike, the preferred choice of transport over here. This meant walking. I knew roughly where the centre was, but by the time I'd got about half way there it had already take me about eight days.
With this in mind, and wanting to explore a bit, I decided to take a shortcut. I took a right off the canal and was immediately down a small side street. I was sort of following an elderly man in front of me. He was wearing a suit, and so something in my mind told me he would be heading back into the centre. He stopped about 10 metres in front of me to look in a shop window, and just out of curiosity I went for a look after him. Suddenly, realising I'd inadvertently wandered into the red light district, I jump back in shock. It was less the shock of seeing four semi-naked women behind a window, but just the fact I wasn't expecting to see anyone at all.
I've never seen such a ridiculously shameful situation as being laughed at by four prostitutes. Four women who sell their bodies for money, mainly to fat, old, seedy men were laughing at me in mockery. If I could have got over the shame, I would probably have confronted them about the contradiction of the social situation.
I decided maybe I would go back one day and do so.
Instead I just took round some sandwiches. Joke's on them, the bread was made for ducks.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Firstly I arrived at the airport and was informed by the woman behind the counter that because I hadn't checked in online I would have to pay an extra £10 to register my passport. I asked if she would accept a song instead. She didn't laugh. She then asked if I had any baggage. I told her I had 2 children from a previous relationship. Not even a smile. Finally she wanted to know if I'd packed my bag myself. By this point I was fairly sure she'd had a humour bypass recently so resisted any further temptations involving my terrorist butler packing it for me.
Then I arrived and my bag wasn't on the carousel. I was starting to regret joking around with the one woman who had the power to control the destiny of my belongings. Had the baggage joke been a final straw? Had she snapped and sent my bag to Africa?
In the end it worked out as a bit of a blessing in disguise, as although I couldn't shower or change clothes (whats new?), I didn't have to lug my bag around and it was delivered the next day by a man in a small white van smoking a cigarette. (The man, not my bag.)
And so, the moral of this tale is if you fly with BMIbaby from Manchester, and need to deliver, say, a new heart to a dying child in the Netherlands, buy a ticket to Peru. It's probably got more chance of getting to where you wanted it.
Either that or just don't go to the check in desk where Eva Braun is the assistant.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
It wasn't even as though we were damned from the start. Summer, like the cruel mistress she can be, tempted us with a half decent May and mainly sunny June.
July came next, which was not a surprise to most people, and with it bad weather. Fortunately a trip to Spain was calling. I had been working hard (or hardly working, it's a fine line) at a local baby food factory all summer. It's kind of fun in the way a rectal examination is, in the sense that when it finishes you're very glad it's over, but apppear to be able to think of nothing else for the next 3 days. I guess that's what happens when you inspect small glass bottles on a conveyor belt for 11 hours... Or someone puts their finger up your bum.
Anyways. Spain. Once a year the small town of Benicassim, about 2hr 30 down the coast from Barcelona, plays host to a now world renownd music festival. We had a few days in Barcelona first, the most eventful of which involved us getting royally ripped for some food on La Rambla. A word to the wise; If you're ever in an orphanage in South America and meet a guy called Micky, tell him to go home. Someone's ruining his restraunts reputaion.
The festival itself was cracking. Although the days mainly involved working our way through a haze of the previous nights gin, and fighting with the locals for a spot in the shade, the nights were well worth it. Musical highlights were definitely Elbow, The Killers and Oasis, who played a near perfect festival set packed with hits. The festival highlight however, has to go to a girl who opened her tent bag and shouted to her friend, "Oh Claudia, all our tent poles have broken into three." You just can't write that stuff.
Home barely brought a moments rest with the next weekend given up to Kendal Calling, the towns biggest event since 'that-one-off-Groundforce-with-no-bra' came and almost took someones eye out. Now held in Lowther Deer Park, actually near Penrith, its grown year by year and is now pretty big. The backdrop of Lakeland fells coupled with the friendly and personal size of the festival gave a very different feel, and were an obvious and logical excuse for this...
Frank Turner was an obvious highlight as ever, with a shockingly good DJ set from Craig Charles topping off the weekend. It's stuff like that you don't get at other festivals; Coronation Street cast members playing funk and soul. And too their detriment too.
The rest of the summer was wasted away in a typical Lake District fashion, with afternoons by the lake and days up whichever mountain we were lost on at the time.
And so, even if the weather turned Britains latest seasonal effort into the summer that never was for most, it was the summer that was for me.
Over and out.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
This is my first post so stay with me, it may be a bumpy ride...
Took a trip away from the city last week, mainly spent wearing too many wetsuits in water that was too cold. This video seems to have been the result...
We attemted to surf the south coast of Wales and ended up at an abandonded quarry the locals call 'Blue Lagoon'.
Apologies for the comically abrupt ending and continuing music, still getting to grips with the video editing software.